They say movies are like sausages: if you like them, you shouldn’t watch how they’re made, because it’s an ugly process that involves a lot of pigs’ anuses. But around here we disregard conventional wisdom and go behind the scenes of your favorite Hollywood productions, and also of “The Lone Ranger” (read our review of the film here). The NSA was kind enough to lend us their recording of the boardroom pitch meeting that led to this big-budget extravaganza, a transcript of which is copied below.
JERRY BRUCKHEIMER: Good afternoon, gentlemen! I’m sure I don’t need to tell you who I am!
DISNEY EXEC. #1: No indeed!
DISNEY EXEC. #2: We’re very familiar with your work, Mr. Bruckheimer!
DISNEY EXEC. #3: Also, you’re carrying a giant sign that says “I’M JERRY BRUCKHEIMER.”
JERRY BRUCKHEIMER: I was tired of people not knowing!
DISNEY EXEC. #1: As a producer, you’ve been responsible for all kinds of great movies — everything from popcorn blockbusters like “National Treasure” to quiet historical dramas like “Pirates of the Caribbean.”
DISNEY EXEC. #2: We’re thrilled you wanted to meet with us! Whatever you’re pitching, we just spent $30 million on it.
JERRY BRUCKHEIMER: Well, keep those purse strings loose, boys, because this is going to be EXPENSIVE.
DISNEY EXEC. #3: Lay it on us!
JERRY BRUCKHEIMER: Well, in this era of reboots, remakes, sequels, and franchises, I feel that one iconic character has been overlooked. Fortunately, it happens to be an iconic character that my company has the rights to make a movie about!
DISNEY EXEC. #1: Superman?
DISNEY EXEC. #2: Gentle Ben?
DISNEY EXEC. #3: Mrs. Garrett from “The Facts of Life”?
DISNEY EXEC. #1: Richard Nixon?
DISNEY EXEC. #3: Mrs. Garrett from “Diff’rent Strokes”?
JERRY BRUCKHEIMER: No, no… Think older, further back in pop culture…
DISNEY EXEC. #2: Tarzan?
DISNEY EXEC. #1: Sherlock Holmes?
DISNEY EXEC. #2: The Katzenjammer Kids?
DISNEY EXEC. #3: Simon Legree?
DISNEY EXEC. #1: Tristram Shandy?
DISNEY EXEC. #3: Othello?
JERRY BRUCKHEIMER: Good guesses, but no. It’s staring you right in the face! Think about it: what beloved character from American fiction have people been CLAMORING to see a movie about?
DISNEY EXEC. #1: The Lone Ranger!
JERRY BRUCKHEIMER: Bingo!
DISNEY EXEC. #2: Of course! It’s obvious!
DISNEY EXEC. #3: Why, just last week my great-grandmother mentioned how she’d like to see a Lone Ranger movie, as long as it’s a talkie and doesn’t have any “ethnic types.”